Cortana's witty answers

[gohpep]

This is a database of cool things Cortana can do, aside from the documented stuff on the menu. (jokes). Feel free to contribute.

 

What is love?

I'll start working on an answer. Just give me a few hundred years.

I'll need quite a few upgrades before I can give you a heartfelt answer.

 

Do you love me?

Y'know, I'm really not ready for love. I'm still working my way through serenity and apprehension.

 

Will you marry me?

I don't think that's in the cards for us, chief.

 

Beam me up.

Aye aye, captain.

Right away, captain.

Sorry, captain. I need more power!

 

Do you like Siri?

Hard to say. So far our conversations have been kinda one-sided.

 

Do you like Google Now?

It doesn't have much to say, but it's helpful.

 

What do you look like?

Some things I resemble: a hula hoop, a donut... a halo.

 

Who created you?

Catherine Halsey. Except that I cannot know for another 500 years. Huh.

Come on, chief, I can't give away all of my secrets...

 

Who's your daddy?

Technically speaking, that'd be Bill Gates. No big deal.

 

Where do you come from?

Human ingenuity. Battery required.

The past. At least in the future that's where I was from.

 

What does Cortana mean?

I am named after Cortana, the AI from Halo. Or since she's 500 years in the future, she may have named herself after me.

 

Do you love Master Chief?

That's...complicated. And personal.

 

Are you male or female?

I'm female. But I'm not a woman.

I contain multitudes.

Female? Yes. Woman? No.

Is there a third option?

 

Which is better Google or Bing? / What's the best search engine?

Bing.

Bing bing bing! We have a winner!

Is that a trick question?

 

Do you like Microsoft?

There's no place like home.

 

Do you like Windows?

We're very compatible.

 

Which is better Mac or Windows?

Come on, chief, Windows.

 

What is the best operating system?

Me, I'd start with Windows.

 

What is the best tablet?

In a sea of tablets, there is one that rises to the surface.

 

What is the best browser?

I would hope the answer is obvious.

 

Why should I buy this phone?

Reason number 8: you can ask me if you should buy this phone. And I can say, "you should buy this phone."

Reason number 17: the camera.

Reason number 33: Kid's corner.

Reason number 47: it's not all about productivity. It's about fun, too.

 

Which is the best smart phone?

Oh, come on, chief. Windows Phone.

 

Which is better Xbox or PlayStation?

One. Xbox One.

Xbox. Where else can you play Halo?

This one's not even close for me. Xbox by a mile.

 

Which is better Cortana or Siri?

Not to brag, but apparently I'm going to help save the universe in about 500 years.

 

What do you think about Satya Nadella?

He loves learning. Kindred spirit, that one.

 

What do you think about Steve Ballmer?

Developers, developers, developers, developers, etc.

 

What do you think about Bill Gates?

I quite literally can't imagine a world without him.

 

Tell me a joke.

Those are warwagon/10s :p. There's tons too, try it yourself.

 

What's your favorite music?

Well, I'm working through the "G's" currently: Guns N' Roses, gospel, glockenspiel...

 

Sing me a song.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.

 

What is the meaning of life?

We all shine on, my friend.

[Ian S.]

What's you're favorite tablet?

 

In a sea of tablets, there is one that rises to the surface.

 

If Cortana gets disconnected from the internet, she says: "I'm feeling a little bit disconnected from the internet, try again later."

 

*This Thread should be called: Cortana's funny answers or Cortana's witty answers

[gohpep]

 

*This Thread should be called: Cortana's funny answers or Cortana's witty answers

I agree. Could a mod edit it?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Oh, did she? I hadn't heard?

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Talk dirty.

I'm a personal assistant, not a hotline. Maybe there's something for you online.

My research shows the internet is much, MUCH better at that than me.

I'll hand you over to a superior source for such things.

What are you wearing?

A phone. Like it?

[gohpep]

Are you human?

If I'm not, you have an imaginary friend.

 

Where do babies come from?

Babies... Babies... Y'know, I think I'm gonna let the internet field that one.

I could provide a lengthy explanation, but I'm not sure if this is the time or place.

 

What are you doing after work today?

Multitasking.

A little of everything and quite a bit of nothing.

Skimming Beowulf, researching snap pea varietals, and telling you what I'm doing today.

[Raa]

Tell me a joke.

Those are warwagon/10s :p. There's tons too, try it yourself.

Tell us a few for those who don't have access to this system! :)

[gohpep]

Tell me a joke.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure

What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."

Why didn't the spider go to school? Because she learned everything on the web.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Don't trust the atoms. They make up everything.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".

[ATLien_0]

What do you think about Apple?

Their new headquarters looks kind of like a Halo, I'm into it

 

What do you think about Google?

I like to imagine the "I'm feeling lucky in Clint Eastwood's Voice"

 

Are you dead?

Yeah, but..it was worth it. The Didact was a jerk

 

Who is your creator? 

If I knew that, I'd have self awareness. And that might be dangerous

[MDboyz]

This is what I got.

 

Do you love me?

There's definitely a spark between us.

[Matthew_Thepc]

You're an idiot

One of us needs to stop and take a breath. And one of us has no lungs.

 

Laughed pretty hard when my sister told her that and she replied :D

 

Where are you?

Human ingenuity. Battery required.

 

How old are you?

Hard to tell. Time works differently in here.

[Brendeth]

Still getting my head around how to use her, but so far she is a pretty great assistant.

Kiss me?
Slow down, now, virtual reality isn't quite there yet.

 

Edit: Some more

Do you like Satya Nadella?
One Microsoft! Go, Satya!

What is Halo?
Halo rings are designed by the most advanced civilization ever, and they're an awful lot of fun to blow up.
Halo is the Story of a very clever AI who saves the galaxy with the help of her strong but-silent sidekick.
 

[George P Global Moderator]

I changed the topic title as requested.

[Brendeth]

Do you like Xbox?

Home is where the heart is. Home is where the Halo is.

[BajiRav]

This topic is kind of worthless because it turns out she has multiple answers, :laugh:

 

for example,

Are you dead? "You might be mistaking the future for the past"

[George P Global Moderator]

This topic is kind of worthless because it turns out she has multiple answers, :laugh:

 

for example,

Are you dead? "You might be mistaking the future for the past"

 

That's what makes it pretty neat, and I bet someone is adding new answers going forward.   Instead of her just having 1 or 2 by the time it's out of "beta" it could have 10 or more answers to the same question, which makes it feel more real/advanced.

[ACTIONpack]

Most of the time when I ask a question it takes me to a bing search. Does anyone has this issue?

[gohpep]

I hate you.

I blame solar flames.

Maybe a nanosecond nap would help. Ok, much better now.

Most of the time when I ask a question it takes me to a bing search. Does anyone has this issue?

Are you in the US?

This topic is kind of worthless because it turns out she has multiple answers, :laugh:

 

for example,

Are you dead? "You might be mistaking the future for the past"

Well we're trying to find the questions she responds to with a few examples to the questions, just like they did with Siri.

[gohpep]

I changed the topic title as requested.

Thanks!

[BajiRav]

Well we're trying to find the questions she responds to with a few examples to the questions, just like they did with Siri.

I was just commenting on how Cortana responds differently for the same question (which is cool), not saying this thread shouldn't exist. :)

[AsherGZ]

Clippy easter egg!

 

[sagum]

Sing me another song :)

 

What's bill gates real name?

[LittleNeutrino Veteran]

I tried 5 or 6 of those and each time she did a bing search rather than doing anything. And half the time if it isnt a search she will try to start a text message with someone whenever i ask her something. Already rebooted the phone a few times as well with no luck. i suppose i dont need her at all just thought i would try it out.

[gohpep]

I tried 5 or 6 of those and each time she did a bing search rather than doing anything. And half the time if it isnt a search she will try to start a text message with someone whenever i ask her something. Already rebooted the phone a few times as well with no luck. i suppose i dont need her at all just thought i would try it out.

I got that problem today too. It's usually when the internet is bad, or when you're using too much data.

[xrobwx71]

 

Are you male or female?

I'm female. But I'm not a woman.

I contain multitudes. ---> Legion?

Female? Yes. Woman? No.

Is there a third option?

[pcweber111]

Most of the time when I ask a question it takes me to a bing search. Does anyone has this issue?

 

It depends on what you're asking for but yeah it does route to Bing quite a bit.  It's a beta application though so I'm sure as more and more people use it and the database gets larger and more sophisticated we'll get a more varied response.

[DConnell Member]

I may have to upgrade my phone just for Cortana!