dan Posted May 30, 2002 Share Posted May 30, 2002 Does anyone here work at a company like this? LOL ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NEW EMPLOYEES RULES SICKDAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, & Dec. 25 and 26 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Management ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ L8rs Peeps Dan ;) Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
supernova_00 Posted May 30, 2002 Share Posted May 30, 2002 i used to work somewhere where you where only allowed to use the restroom at a certain time and on break...i worked there for 1 day! Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-272565 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazzla Veteran Posted May 30, 2002 Veteran Share Posted May 30, 2002 Lol, I had that sign in the old place I worked. :D :D Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-272583 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Dorr Veteran Posted May 30, 2002 Veteran Share Posted May 30, 2002 i like the sugery one. i can see a place doing that for some reason... :D Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-272591 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hypercube Posted May 30, 2002 Share Posted May 30, 2002 The sickdays one is also good. They all make sense! ;) Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-272675 Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted May 30, 2002 Share Posted May 30, 2002 That's in our employe hand book! Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-272690 Share on other sites More sharing options...
altezza Veteran Posted June 1, 2002 Veteran Share Posted June 1, 2002 I wonder if Vacation Days is extremely too short or none :D Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-275182 Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyy4 Posted June 1, 2002 Share Posted June 1, 2002 Short and simple: I suggest you find another job if these rules actually exist. These rules are very totalitarian and should not be tolerated. Who knows? There are many companies who would be willing to hire you to get the company's confidential data... (j/k) :p Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-277095 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hypercube Posted June 1, 2002 Share Posted June 1, 2002 Quote Originally posted by sunnyy4 Short and simple: I suggest you find another job if these rules actually exist. These rules are very totalitarian and should not be tolerated. Who knows? There are many companies who would be willing to hire you to get the company's confidential data... (j/k) :p Nice post...LOL! :) :p Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-277111 Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyy4 Posted June 2, 2002 Share Posted June 2, 2002 Try sending this to your boss-- I guarantee you'll either have them overturn the rules or get you fired. Quote We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. OK... I can go to the doctor all right... someone will have to drive me there, though, because I may be unconscious. Quote Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. What about my appendix? What if it ruptures? It's bound to happen sometime in my life, you know. Quote Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. You give us so much work to do that we have to work outside work. Those days are what you call "Personal days?!" I don't think so!!! Quote All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, & Dec. 25 and 26 What about family vacations? You're not first priority, you know... I can be a rich, miserable ******* working for you, or a poor, happy guy working for someone else. Quote This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is doneYES there is something I can do for my dead friends, and that is paying my last respects for them. Either you let me, or I will go with them from stress and grief. Quote This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. I could die suddenly in a car accident or something. I am no astrologist, and I cannot predict my own death. Quote Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. Firstly, what if I have to go all of a sudden? Secondly, there is nothing you can do about me going somewhere else to go to the restroom. Three minutes? What if I have to go take a $hit? And with the door opening? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! /me covers up genitals w/ Wall Street Journal Quote Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. OK... I'm normal-figured. Can I take 30 minutes and one second? I guess not since you're such a retarded, money-loving idiot. Quote It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise. What if that was a gift from someone and/or I happen to need to look really good for your clients? Quote Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Yeah, right, I'll be loyal to you guys. I'll quit and disclose your confidential information... MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You call this a positive employment experience? I'd rather be at Afghanistan than in your company! A little parody of their rules, whoever made it up... :) Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-278982 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hypercube Posted June 2, 2002 Share Posted June 2, 2002 Nice response :) :D Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-279045 Share on other sites More sharing options...
dan Posted June 2, 2002 Author Share Posted June 2, 2002 Err lads.... this is a joke... i thought that was obvious? theres no need to get all concerned or behaving like freakin jonny rotten eithher... god damn... play nice now children... remember this is the jokes forum... if uve got a lot of bent up anger and aggression go see the "EVIL" forum! l8rs dan Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-279116 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tesseract Posted June 4, 2002 Share Posted June 4, 2002 They are not angry about those rules; they see it as a joke. I find the restroom, sickdays, and lunch rules funny myself. :D Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/29532-new-employee-rules/#findComment-283163 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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