Neuroglider Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 The Complete Military History of France * Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian (Julius Caesar). * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." * Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars to the Italians. * Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots * Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. * War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. * The Dutch War - Tied * War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. * American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." * French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. * The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. * The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. * World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. * World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. * War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu * Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French. * War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
macf13nd Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 success all round then! :) Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/#findComment-589339055 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ID2 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Very clever, and highly amusing! Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/#findComment-589339110 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antaris Veteran Posted April 17, 2008 Veteran Share Posted April 17, 2008 French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. That one is quite good Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/#findComment-589339126 Share on other sites More sharing options...
curme Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 Wasn't this first posted during the The Napoleonic Wars? They used an early system of semaphores to relay LOLs. Or are we restarting the internet so everyone can catch up? Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/#findComment-589339138 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antaris Veteran Posted April 17, 2008 Veteran Share Posted April 17, 2008 Wasn't this first posted during the The Napoleonic Wars? They used an early system of semaphores to relay LOLs. Or are we restarting the internet so everyone can catch up? That is the funniest thing I have seen in AGES! Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/#findComment-589339253 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farstrider Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 I think curme is correct, it is that old! Still very clever and funny nonetheless. Link to comment https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/631811-the-complete-military-history-of-france-joke/#findComment-589339279 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts